My Sibling, My Frenemy

When my sibling is my frenemy too, things get tough in church. Doc Watson tells us how to cope with a gospel masterpiece. 

I'll admit it: The idea that I shared with you at the end of yesterday's post isn't just challenging -- it's radical. Still, if you have even a little faith, if you've been touched even a little by the Spirit, you long for communion with your spiritual brothers and sisters.

And then, in the midst of that longing, someone or something twists a knife in your gut.

We've all felt the pain of broken and/or unfulfilling relationships. If these happen between you and the people who are supposed to be your siblings in Christ, it can be devastating -- even fatal -- to your relationship with God. Not, you will note, to His relationship with you.

In my experience, that deep emotional and spiritual wounding happens when the church itself is sin-sick, pursuing spiritual siblinghood according to human will rather than God's will. Many, many of my posts here have been informed by my own past and current struggles to deal with these kinds of sin-sickened spiritual relationships.

Yesterday's Scriptures painted a picture of how to do spiritual siblinghood right. Since we're all sinners in a fallen world, we need a prescription for what to do when our relationships within the church go wrong. As always, Jesus has the answers. Let's take them one at a time. 

In Matthew 18:15, Jesus says, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother." 

"If your brother sins against you ..." Jesus begins. This does not mean, "If I don't get the things I want" or "If people don't do exactly what I want them to do" or "If people don''t take every hint that I drop" or "If people don't sin along with me or enable me to sin". Sin means sin, folks, the stuff that's forbidden by the ten commandments and the great commandments that Jesus gives us -- lying, stealing, coveting, gossiping, hatred, murder, selfishness, and as Paul writes in Galatians 5:19-21, "sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these." Click on the links for Scriptures that will get you familiar with those other commandments.

Note, too, that Jesus uses that present tense. He doesn't say, "If your brother has ever sinned against you". God has forgiven all our past sins, including those that we have committed against each other. He expects us to do the same. You want your prayers to be heard? "... whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses," Jesus says in Mark 11:25. 

Let's continue in Matthew 18. "[G]o and tell him his fault, between you and him alone." Do I really have to explain this? Apparently so, since some of you think it means "talk trash about my sibling in Christ all over the place. Then, leave it to some weak-willed deputy to download all the gossip and trash-talk to the offending party, while I commit acts of physical and emotional sabotage and abuse against my sibling in Christ who I now despise." 

Well, no. 

"Alone" means alone -- no wingman, no supportive circle of friends, no wall posts, no veiled hints of any kind in any venue. "Go and tell him his fault" means go now, and take the direct approach when you go. Don't wait until you're consumed with barely suppressed frustration, anger, disappointment, hurt, and rage that will leak out the minute you have to rehash this stuff with the offending party. And don't hint around, thinking you're morally superior because you approach it that way. Just tell it straight out, calmly without worrying over what the offending party might say or do. You can't control that, anyway, and you're sinning if you try. 

"If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."

Yay! Group hug! Party! Tremendous relief! Blessed healing! Glory to our Father and thank You, Jesus!

Verse 16: "But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses." 

We all know people whose response to even the most gentle and reasoned confrontation is to stuff their fingers in their ears and start singin'. We all know people who think they're without sin because their response to confrontation is passive-aggressive, and not angry like so-and-so (to whom they are so obviously superior). Thanks to the prevailing winds of culture, argument (however reasoned), anger and violence are less-acceptable responses to confrontation, but we're frightened of those things, nonetheless. 

What do we do with all this? 

If we're forced to take witnesses, we do not pick the snarky, the gossipy, the firestarter, the diva, or the ones who are afraid of confrontation. We do not choose the one who will take over the proceedings. Witnesses in this context are people who will simply observe the exchange, and be able to verify the charges being made if you should have to take the next step. Given that, we want witnesses who are wise, calm, reasonable, responsible folks, the kind of people we can count on to do the job assigned to them and not overstep their bounds. 

Why?

Because now, it gets serious. "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." (verse 17)

We're talking about turning the offending party out of the church, here. If we're forced to to that, "Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them."

You see what I mean when I say you want mature, serious, dignified, responsible witnesses? You don't want to set this chain of events in motion with vain, silly, frivolous, unreliable, or self-seeking people.

So that's it then? This person with whom you were united in Spirit is dead to you, now?

Thank the good Lord, no! 

Let's look at how Paul advised the Corinthian church to handle it. In I Corinthians 5:1-5, he writes, "It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father's wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you. For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing. When you are assembled in the name of the Lord Jesus and my spirit is present, with the power of our Lord Jesus, you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord."

Incest? Ugh!

Still ... deliver the guy to Satan?

If you're seeing torches and pitchforks in your mind's eye, fear not.

"I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you." (I Corinthians 5:9-13)

That certainly clarifies things, but our sin-sick brother is still outside the fold. Is there anything we can do?

By the time we get to II Corinthians 2:4-9, some time has passed. Contrary to most people's picture of Christians, instead of being self-righteous, self-satisfied, and cold as ice, Paul feels deep sadness over the fate of this lost brother in Christ. "For I wrote to you out of much affliction and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to cause you pain but to let you know the abundant love that I have for you. Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure—not to put it too severely—to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything."

Ever hear anything like that before?

Me neither, and I grew up in church.

"... turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." Interesting strategy to get someone to stop sinning, don't you think?

Paul must have been mindful of God's commandment in Zechariah 7:9: "This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another,'" for Paul -- who is the head of the Corinthian church -- goes on in II Corinthians 2:10-11 to say, "Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs."

Those would be Satan's designs to turn us against each other through gossip, backbiting, recriminations, punishment, and the desire to outdo each other in "righteousness".

Yeah, church is radical, all right. You have to accept by faith the idea that perfect strangers are your siblings in Christ. You have to encourage their best, and love them at their worst; turn them out when they remain defiant in sin, and love them like crazy to inspire them to stop.

When we look at it that way, being a member of the body of Christ seems like an impossible task, except for one thing: The Lord is with us -- not in some abstract, airy-fairy way, but abiding in us, living in us through the Holy Spirit. Remember, "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23)

When we know Him, we can call on Him for those things -- through prayer and by immersing ourselves in His word.

But we're sinners, too. What happens when we can't forgive, can't let go? Even the passive-aggressive types among us understand that, while we're not angry or bitter in an active way, our hearts are not completely clean or loving in this matter, either, and we need help.

Like I said, His word is a great help in times like these. There's one passage that helps me more than any other in this situation. It is a lengthy one, but one I feel is essential to quote in its entirety -- especially if it can help and heal you, too. Not surprisingly, Jesus tells this story further along in Matthew 18.

"Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.'" (Matthew 18:21-35)

And if that passage doesn't work?

Here's Doc Watson with a prescription to help us forgive and be forgiven through the best Friend we'll ever have -- "What a Friend We Have In Jesus".

Words, pictures, music! See The Bluegrass Gospel Blog in full color.